Support for Partners & Family

When a pregnancy loss occurs, it affects not only the person who was physically pregnant but also their partner, family members, and close friends. Supporting a loved one through pregnancy loss can be challenging, especially when you may be experiencing your own grief. This guide offers insights and practical advice for partners and family members navigating this difficult time.

Understanding Different Grief Responses

One of the most important things to recognise is that each person grieves differently. There is no "right" way to grieve, and different grief responses don't indicate different levels of caring or attachment. These differences can sometimes lead to misunderstandings or feelings of disconnection at a time when support is most needed.

Common differences in grief responses include:

• Timing: Some people feel grief immediately, while others may experience delayed grief that surfaces weeks or months later.
• Expression: Some express grief outwardly through crying or talking, while others process grief more internally.
• Focus: Some may focus on emotional aspects of the loss, while others might concentrate on practical matters or future plans.
• Duration: The intensity and duration of grief can vary widely between individuals.

Partners may find it particularly challenging when their grief response differs from that of the person who experienced the physical loss. Partners might feel they need to be "strong" or put their own feelings aside to provide support. However, acknowledging and honoring both experiences of grief is important for healthy processing.

For Partners: How to Provide Support

Be Present and Listen

One of the most valuable things you can do is simply be present. Your physical presence and willingness to listen without trying to "fix" the situation can provide immense comfort. Allow your partner to express their feelings without judgment, even if those feelings seem intense, contradictory, or uncomfortable.

Acknowledge Both Experiences

While the physical experience of pregnancy loss happens to one person, the emotional experience of losing a baby affects both partners. Acknowledge both experiences while recognising that the physical and hormonal components add an additional layer of complexity for the person who was pregnant.

Take on Practical Responsibilities

In the immediate aftermath of a loss, your partner may be physically recovering as well as emotionally processing. Taking care of practical matters—preparing meals, handling household responsibilities, managing communications with family and friends, or coordinating medical follow-ups—can provide tangible support.

Communicate Openly But Respectfully

Share your feelings with your partner while being mindful of timing. It's important to express your own grief, but there may be moments when your partner needs space or isn't in a place to support you emotionally. Consider finding additional supports for yourself, such as friends, family members, or a counselor.

Be Patient With the Process

There is no timeline for grief. Your partner's feelings may fluctuate dramatically, and their needs may change over time. Grief can resurface around significant dates, such as the due date, anniversary of the loss, or when encountering pregnancy announcements or babies. Patience and flexibility are key.

Understand Intimacy Changes

Physical and emotional intimacy may change after a pregnancy loss. Your partner may need time before feeling comfortable with physical intimacy, or they may seek closeness as a form of comfort. Follow their lead and maintain open communication about needs and boundaries.

For Family Members and Friends: How to Help

Acknowledge the Loss

One of the most painful aspects of pregnancy loss can be the silence or minimization that often surrounds it. Acknowledge the loss with simple, heartfelt expressions of sympathy such as "I'm so sorry for your loss" or "I'm thinking of you." Avoid platitudes like "everything happens for a reason" or "you can always try again," which can feel dismissive.

Offer Specific Help

Rather than saying "let me know if you need anything," offer specific forms of assistance: "I'd like to drop off a meal on Tuesday—would that be okay?" or "Would it help if I picked up your groceries this week?" This removes the burden of having to ask for help.

Respect Their Wishes

Some people may want space and privacy, while others may want company and distraction. Some may want to talk about their loss, while others prefer not to discuss it. Follow their lead and respect their preferences, even if they differ from what you would want in a similar situation.

Remember Important Dates

Anniversaries of the loss, the due date, and other significant milestones can be particularly difficult. A simple message acknowledging these dates can mean a great deal and shows that you remember and honor their baby.

Continue Support Over Time

Support often diminishes quickly after a loss, but grief continues. Check in regularly, even months later. Your continued acknowledgment that their loss matters can be profoundly comforting.

Caring for Yourself

Whether you are a partner, family member, or friend, supporting someone through pregnancy loss can be emotionally taxing, especially if you are also grieving. Remember to:

Honor Your Own Grief

Your grief is valid. You may have formed your own bond with the baby through imagination, planning, or physical connection. Allow yourself to feel and process your emotions without judgment.

Seek Support

Find your own support network separate from the person you're supporting. This might include friends, family members, support groups specifically for partners or grandparents experiencing pregnancy loss, or professional counseling.

Practice Self-Care

Attend to your physical and emotional needs. Maintain healthy sleep patterns, eat nutritious foods, engage in physical activity, and pursue activities that bring you comfort or joy. Taking care of yourself enhances your ability to support others.

Recognise Your Limitations

You cannot fix or take away someone else's grief, and you cannot be everything to everyone. Set realistic expectations for yourself and recognise when you need to step back or seek additional support.

Moving Forward Together

Pregnancy loss can strain relationships, but it can also strengthen bonds when navigated with compassion, patience, and open communication. Some couples and families find that sharing this difficult experience brings them closer together and deepens their connections.

If you're considering trying for another pregnancy, this decision should be made together when both partners feel emotionally ready. A subsequent pregnancy after loss can bring complex emotions, including anxiety, fear, and guilt alongside hope and joy. Many find that professional support during this time is helpful.

Remember that there is no "getting over" a pregnancy loss—rather, it becomes integrated into your family's story. With time and support, many find ways to honor their loss while moving forward with hope and resilience.